Mary Moreno: English 105 e-Portfolio
Editing Logs
Unit 1: Introduction and Orientation
lesson 1
READING JOURNALS
DRAFT # 1
Error 1: Journals were from 2006 Course Calendar links
Error 2: Format. Paper should be in MLA Format.
DRAFT # 2
Principle: Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words.
Original:
The page explains that attendance in face-to-face class meetings, teacher conferences, and submitting assignments before midnights of the posted deadlines are required in this class.
Revision:
The page explains the importance of attendance in face-to-face and online class meetings, teacher conferences, and submitting assignments before midnight of the posted deadlines in achieving the best grade in the class.
FIRST OFFICIAL WRITING SAMPLE
DRAFT # 1
Principle: W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
Original:
Having peers and TAs that could help me whenever I get confused in homework or research instructions would be very vital in passing this class.
Revision:
Having peers and TAs that could help me whenever I get confused in homework or research instructions would be very helpful in passing this class.
DRAFT # 2
Error: Format. Paper should be in MLA Format.
Principle: coh: Coherence is lacking. The connections between sentences need to be clearer.
Original:
My name is Mary Abigail B. Moreno and my Cal Poly Student ID number is 010******. The e-mail address I would be using for this class is mbmoreno@csupomona.edu. I live at ...
Revision:
My name is Mary Abigail B. Moreno and my Cal Poly Student ID number is 010******. Also, the e-mail address I would be using for this class is mbmoreno@csupomona.edu. Furthermore, I reside at ...
lesson 2
READING JOURNALS
DRAFT # 1
Error 1: Journals were from 2006 Course Calendar links
Error 2: Format. Paper should be in MLA Format.
DRAFT # 2
Principle: Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words, such as “that”.
CS: Comma Splice. Use commas before a nonessential appositive.
Original:
After reading the “Lesson 2 Page” in Unit 1, I have learned that the reading activities assigned in this lesson would prepare me for our formal writing assignments.
Revision:
After reading the “Lesson 2 Page” in Unit 1, I have learned about the reading activities assigned in this lesson, which would prepare me for our formal writing assignments.
Principle: ref: Reference unclear. Pronouns should have a clear antecedent.
Original:
Throughout the chapter, the authors explain the steps in creating an online paper, using HTML, and creating original sites. It also provides tips in creating a web page or document that is more comprehensible for its readers. Furthermore, it lists some sources for graphics or videos, which could contribute to the overall message and impact my web page or document.
Revision:
Throughout the chapter, the authors explain the steps in creating an online paper, using HTML, and creating original sites. The chapter also provides tips in creating a web page or document that is more comprehensible for its readers. Furthermore, the chapter lists some sources for graphics or videos, which could contribute to the overall message and impact my web page or document.
Principle: P: Punctuation error. Titles of books, newspapers, and magazines should be underlined.
Original:
After reading Chapter 11 of the “The Little, Brown Handbook”, I have learned the vital information in collaborating with my peers online.
Revision:
After reading Chapter 11 of the The Little, Brown Handbook, I have learned the vital information in collaborating with my peers online.
lesson 3
READING JOURNALS
DRAFT #1
Principle: Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words, such as “that”.
Original:
After reading the “Lesson 3 Page” in Unit 1, I have learned about the tasks that I should do for this lesson.
Revision:
After reading the “Lesson 3 Page” in Unit 1, I have learned about the activities for this lesson.
Principle: Write numbers as words.
Original:
This assignment is composed of 2 parts, which includes an introduction in the eyes of our pet and adding a graphic that represents our personality.
Revision:
This assignment is composed of two parts, which includes an introduction in the eyes of our pet and adding a graphic that represents our personality.
Principle: P: Punctuation error. Titles of books, newspapers, and magazines should be underlined.
Original:
After reading Chapter 4 of “Everything’s An Argument”, I have learned the different aspects of using facts and reason in an argument, which can also be called Logos.
Revision:
After reading Chapter 4 of Everything’s An Argument, I have learned the different aspects of using facts and reason in an argument, which can also be called Logos.
Assignment 1: homepage
DRAFT # 1
Principle: Efface “I” in first paragraph
Original:
Hi! My name is Snow. I am Mary’s pet dog and I have been with her for 3 years now. She feeds and plays with me everyday, and I love it every time she spends time with me. Mary is a very detailed and organized person. She is the eldest of the four children in her family so she can be very dependable and responsible. She is very friendly and approachable but can sometimes be introverted around people she’s not familiar with. Maybe that’s also because she is still not completely adapted with the new environment she has, since she just migrated in the United States a few years ago. She is also a student that is very concerned with her studies and gets stressed out very easily. She can be the type of person that looks very hard to approach and quiet at first but trust me; she is the opposite once you get to know her.
Revision:
Hello everybody, this is Snow, the cute and white Shih Tzu here to introduce Mary. Since being brought home three years ago, she never fails to show how friendly, fun, and caring she could be. After living with her for several years, she has shown that there are a lot of things about her that people should know. Mary is a dependable, social, and understanding person. She is dependable because the eldest of the four children in her family so she is very good at handling responsibilities given to her. Also, she makes sure that yours truly receives enough food and water daily. Furthermore, she is a social person. She is a member of various clubs from elementary through high school. But she is not the type of person who likes joining sports-related clubs and activities. Lastly, She is a very understanding person. She is someone who rarely gets mad or annoyed. However, she tends to get easily irritated when she is stressed or pressured, especially in her studies.
DRAFT # 2
Principle: Paragraph lacks unity.
Original:
Hello everybody, this is Snow, the cute and white Shih Tzu here to introduce Mary. Since being brought home three years ago, she never fails to show how friendly, fun, and caring she could be. After living with her for several years, she has shown that there are a lot of things about her that people should know. Mary is a dependable, social, and understanding person. She is dependable because the eldest of the four children in her family so she is very good at handling responsibilities given to her. Also, she makes sure that yours truly receives enough food and water daily. Furthermore, she is a social person. She is a member of various clubs from elementary through high school. But she is not the type of person who likes joining sports-related clubs and activities. Lastly, She is a very understanding person. She is someone who rarely gets mad or annoyed. However, she tends to get easily irritated when she is stressed or pressured, especially in her studies.
Revision:
Hello everybody, this is Snow, the cute and white Shih Tzu here to introduce Mary. After living with her for several years, she has shown that there are a lot of things about her that people should know. Mary is a dependable, social, and understanding person. Being the eldest of the four children in her family, she is very dependable and good at handling responsibilities given to her. Also, she makes sure that yours truly receives enough food and water daily. Mary is a social person. She is affiliated with various clubs from elementary through high school, but she is not the type of person who likes joining sports-related clubs and prefers academic activities. Lastly, Mary is a very understanding person, someone who rarely gets mad or annoyed. However, she tends to get easily irritated when she is stressed or pressured, especially in her studies.
DRAFT # 3
Error: Lacks Derek Bok quotation.
Principle: Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words; strive for conciseness.
Original:
Hi everyone, I hope you enjoyed meeting Snow. Her introduction of me basically describes me as a person, student, and a friend. All of the characteristics she mentioned can be attributed to my experience of being part of two different cultures. I was born in the Philippines and continuously lived there for 15 years. In 2012, my family decided to migrate in the United States for better opportunities. The difference from the environment I was accustomed with was very different from the one I had when I came here, therefore, a lot of adjustments had to be made. One of these is the difference in language. At first, I had difficulty with communicating with other people because I cannot express myself very well using English. Fortunately, I was able to overcome this after a year. Through this experience, I have come to understand that even though people have different cultural backgrounds, there are several similarities in them. Moreover, this experience made me understand the importance of being able to communicate well. As Paul J. Meyer said, “Communication – the human connection – is the key to personal and career success.” As a student, I believe that I should not only seek to broaden my knowledge but also develop my skills in communication. Therefore, I am taking this English 105 hybrid-in-progress class to further develop my skills in Aristotelian Classical Argumentative Rhetoric writing and speechifying, which would be very vital in achieving success in the future.
Revision:
Hi everyone, I hope you enjoyed meeting Snow. Her introduction of me basically describes me as a person. All of the characteristics she mentioned can be attributed to my experience of being part of two different cultures. I was born in the Philippines and continuously lived there for 15 years. In 2012, my family decided to migrate in the United States for better opportunities. The environment I was accustomed to was very different from the one I had when I came here, therefore, a lot of adjustments had to be made. One of these is the difference in language. At first, I had difficulty communicating with other people because I cannot express myself very well using English. Fortunately, I was able to overcome this after a year. Through this experience, I have come to understand that even though people have different cultural backgrounds, there are several similarities in them. Moreover, this experience made me understand the importance of being able to communicate well. Like Paul Meyer said, “Communication – the human connection – is the key to personal and career success.” As a student, I believe that I should not only seek to broaden my knowledge but also develop my skills in communication. As Derek Bok stated, “I suspect that no community will become humane and caring by restricting what its members can say.” (124) Therefore, I am taking this English 105 hybrid-in-progress class to further develop my skills in Aristotelian Classical Argumentative Rhetoric writing and speechifying, which will be vital in achieving success in the future.
DRAFT # 4
Principle: Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words; strive for conciseness.
W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
CS: Comma Splice. Two main clauses joined by a comma.
//: Faulty parallel structure. Express similar ideas in parallel grammatical structure.
Original:
Hello everybody, this is Snow, the cute and white Shih Tzu here to introduce Mary. After living with her for several years, she has shown that there are a lot of things about her that people should know. Mary is dependable, social, and understanding. Being the eldest of the four children in her family, she is very dependable and good at handling responsibilities given to her. Also, she makes sure that yours truly receives enough food and water daily. Mary is a social person. She is affiliated with various clubs from elementary through high school, but she is not the type of person who likes joining sports-related clubs and prefers academic activities. Lastly, Mary is a very understanding person, someone who rarely gets mad or annoyed. However, she tends to get easily irritated when she is stressed or pressured, especially in her studies.
Revision:
Hello, everybody; yours truly, Snow, a cute and white Shih Tzu, is here to introduce Mary, who has revealed, after living together for several years, to be dependable, sociable, and understanding. Being the eldest of the four children, she is good at handling responsibilities given to her and provides yours truly’s necessities daily. Also, Mary is sociable having been affiliated with various academic and cultural clubs since elementary. Lastly, Mary is an understanding person, someone who rarely gets mad or annoyed, but tends to get easily irritated under stress or pressure, especially in her academics. Being dependable, sociable, and understanding are the traits that define Mary as a sister, a friend, and a student.
DRAFT # 5
Principle: Wordy. Redundancy is one form of wordiness. Eliminate unnecessary words; strive for conciseness.
Original:
Hi everyone. I hope you enjoyed meeting Snow. Her introduction of me basically describes me as a person. All of the characteristics she mentioned can be attributed to my experience of being part of two different cultures. I was born in the Philippines and continuously resided there for 15 years. In 2012, my family decided to migrate in the United States for better opportunities.
Revision:
Hi everyone. I hope you enjoyed meeting Snow. Her introduction basically describes me as a person. All of the characteristics she mentioned can be attributed to my experience of being part of two different cultures. I was born in the Philippines and continuously resided there for 15 years. In 2012, my family immigrated to the United States for better opportunities.
GUN CONTROL
WEBSITE SOURCES: READING JOURNALS
DRAFT # 1
Principle: Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words, such as “that”.
Original:
After reading the article “Woman at Walmart Is Accidentally Shot Dead by 2-Year-Old-Son”, I have learned that loose gun control laws does not result to less fatality rates. The report states that the mother, with a gun in her handbag, was unaware that her son took the gun and used it.
Revision:
After reading the article “Woman at Walmart Is Accidentally Shot Dead by 2-Year-Old-Son”, I have learned loose gun control laws does not result to less fatality rates. The report states the mother, with a gun in her handbag, was unaware that her son took the gun and used it.
Principle: Use a more recent event related to gun violence.
Original:
“Virginia Gunman Identified As Student”
Revision:
“Sandy Hook Elementary shooting leaves 28 dead, law enforcement sources say”
WEBSITE SOURCES: PRE-WRITING PROCESS
DRAFT # 1
Principle: Quote does not clearly support the argument.
Original:
My chosen quotation is “Where you have the most armed citizens in America, you have the lowest violent crime rate. Where you have the worst gun control, you have the highest crime rate.” by Ted Nugent.
Revision:
My chosen quotation is "Those of who are pro-gun control have to admit that there is a Second Amendment right to bear arms... once we establish that there is a constitutional right to bear arms we should have the right admit, and maybe they'll be more willing to admit, that no amendment is absolute after all" by Senator Charles Schumer.
WEBSITE SOURCES: 1ST CONSTITUENT ELEMENT
DRAFT # 1
Principle: //: Faulty parallel structure. Express similar ideas in parallel grammatical structure.
Wordy. Avoid unnecessary words.
Original:
During the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting in 2012, one of the most tragic events related to gun violence, Senator Charles Schumer expressed his opinions regarding the issue by stating that "Those of who are pro-gun control have to admit that there is a Second Amendment right to bear arms... once we establish that there is a constitutional right to bear arms we should have the right admit, and maybe they'll be more willing to admit, that no amendment is absolute after all" (Schumer). Schumer’s message is that citizens should consider the limitations of the second amendment and realize the importance of strict gun control laws. Although opponents of gun control laws claim that it violates the right stated in the Second Amendment of bearing arms, the current situation, wherein several mass shootings still occur despite the existing gun control laws, suggests stricter gun controls should be implemented, as they are obviously not enforced enough to prevent gun violence, possibly decrease the fatalities caused by guns, and detrimentally affects the country’s economic state.
Revision:
At the height of Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting in 2012, Senator Charles Schumer asserted "Those of who are pro-gun control have to admit that there is a Second Amendment right to bear arms... once we establish that there is a constitutional right to bear arms we should have the right admit, and maybe they'll be more willing to admit, that no amendment is absolute after all" (Schumer). Schumer’s message is that rational-minded citizens should consider the limitations of the second amendment and realize the importance of strict gun control laws. Although opponents of gun control laws claim that it violates the right to bear arms guaranteed in the Second Amendment of bearing arms, the current situation, wherein several mass shootings still occur despite the existing gun control laws, suggests stricter gun controls should be implemented, since it actually shows that current gun controls are ineffective, actually decrease the fatalities caused by guns, and actually affects the country’s economic state detrimentally.
SCHOLARLY SOURCES: READING JOURNALS
DRAFT # 1
Principle: Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words, such as “that”.
agr. Faulty agreement. Failure of the verb to agree with its subject.
Original:
The writers of the article “Stronger Gun Control Laws Will Save Lives” claims that stricter gun control laws should be enforced to reduce gun violence.
Revision:
The writers of the article “Stronger Gun Control Laws Will Save Lives” claim stricter gun control laws should be enforced to reduce gun violence.
SCHOLARLY SOURCES: PRE-WRITING PROCESS
DRAFT # 1
Principle: frag: Sentence fragment. Punctuated a subordinate clause as if it was a sentence.
Original:
My audience includes those against the enforcement of strict gun control laws or does not have knowledge or stand regarding the issue. Furthermore, those who agree, that strict gun control laws should be reinforced, can be a part of the audience. However, the paper would not be able to demonstrate its persuasive purposes, but simply agree with their existing stand.
Revision:
My audience includes those against the enforcement of strict gun control laws or those without knowledge or stand regarding the issue. Those who agree, that strict gun control laws should be reinforced, can be a part of the audience but this paper will not be able to demonstrate its persuasive purpose and simply reinforce existing viewpoints.
Principle: W: Word choice. Words should be changed because it is either inaccurate or imprecise.
Original:
My purpose in writing this paper is to persuade those who are against my position and those who do not have any knowledge or stand regarding the issue that a stricter gun control laws should be enforced.
Revision:
My purpose in writing this paper is to persuade opponents of gun control and those without knowledge or stand regarding the issue that stricter gun control laws should be enforced.
SCHOLARLY SOURCES: 1ST CONSTITUENT ELEMENT
DRAFT # 1
Principle: W: Word choice. Words should be changed because it is either inaccurate or imprecise.
Original:
Although opponents of gun control laws claim that it violates the right stated in the Second Amendment…
Revision:
Although opponents of gun control laws claim they violate the right stated in the Second Amendment
DRAFT # 2
Principle: Incorrect citation.
Original:
After the Virginia Tech shooting in 2007, Collin Goddard, a survivor of the event, states "I’m here to tell you, first-hand, that ineffective laws that put guns in the hands of the wrong people are a serious threat to the public safety of your citizens." (Goddard).
Revision:
After the Virginia Tech shooting in 2007, Collin Goddard, a survivor of the event, states "I’m here to tell you, first-hand, that ineffective laws that put guns in the hands of the wrong people are a serious threat to the public safety of your citizens." (4).
DRAFT # 3
Principle: W: Word choice. Words should be changed because it is either inaccurate or imprecise.
Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words, such as “that”.
Original:
After the Virginia Tech shooting in 2007, Collin Goddard, a survivor from the event, states that "And I’m here to tell you, first-hand, that ineffective laws that put guns in the hands of the wrong people are a serious threat to the public safety of your citizens." (4). Goddard’s message is that a strict background check plays an important role in preventing gun violence. Although opponents of gun control laws claim that they violate the right stated in the Second Amendment, the current situation, wherein several mass shootings still occur despite existing background checks, suggests an implementation of stricter gun control laws, as they will actually eliminate the loopholes of existing gun control laws, consequentially decrease the fatalities caused by guns, and positively affect the country’s economic state.
Revision:
After the Virginia Tech shooting in 2007, Collin Goddard, a survivor of the event, states "I’m here to tell you, first-hand, that ineffective laws that put guns in the hands of the wrong people are a serious threat to the public safety of your citizens." (4). Goddard’s message conveys the importance of strict background checks in preventing gun violence. Although opponents of gun control laws claim they violate the right stated in the Second Amendment, the current situation, wherein several mass shootings still occur despite existing background checks, suggests an implementation of stricter gun control laws, as they will actually eliminate the loopholes of existing gun control laws, consequentially decrease the fatalities caused by guns, and positively affect the country’s economic state.
DRAFT # 4
Principle: Wordy. Redundancy is one form of wordiness. Eliminate unnecessary words; strive for conciseness.
Original:
Although opponents of gun control laws claim they violate the right stated in the Second Amendment, the current situation, wherein several mass shootings still occur despite existing background checks, suggests an implementation of stricter gun control laws, as they will actually eliminate the loopholes of existing gun control laws, consequentially decrease the fatalities caused by guns, and positively affect the country’s economic state.
Revision:
Although opponents of gun control laws claim they violate the right stated in the Second Amendment, the current situation, wherein several mass shootings still occur despite existing background checks, suggests an implementation of stricter laws, as they will actually eliminate the loopholes of existing gun control laws, consequentially decrease the fatalities caused by guns, and positively affect the country’s economic state.
Unit 2: The Ebonics Debate
lesson 4
READING JOURNALS
DRAFT # 1
Principle: Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words.
W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
Original:
Also, after reading the assigned materials, student directors should post their questions and respond to their fellow peers in the online Discussion Board. Furthermore, Lesson 4 requires students to share Assignment 1 by posting their homepage on the discussion board and voting for the best artifact.
Revision:
After reading the assigned materials, student directors should post their questions and respond to their fellow peers in the online Discussion Board. Furthermore, Lesson 4 requires students to share Assignment one by posting their homepage on the discussion board and voting for the best artifact.
Principle: Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words.
Original:
After reading the “Assignment 2: The Ebonics Debate Page” in Lesson 4, Unit 2, I have learned about the “Ebonics Essay”. Assignment 2 requires students to read “Defining Who We Are in Society” by David Troutt and “Suite for Ebony and Phonics” by John Rickford in Everything’s An Argument. In addition, students should also read articles related to the School Board Resolution provided in the links. Then, after completing the reading materials, students should write and essay depending on the stand against the issue. Moreover, “Assignment 2” requires students to draft the essay, discuss the draft with a tutor, revise the draft, submit the revised paper on a teacher conference by the given deadline and seek for comments, revise the second draft, and posting the final draft on the e-portfolio. Also, I have learned about the grading criteria for this assignment, which was provided in the latter portion of the page.
Revision:
After reading “Assignment 2: The Ebonics Debate Page” in Lesson 4, Unit 2, I have learned about the “Ebonics Essay”. Assignment 2 requires students to read “Defining Who We Are in Society” by David Troutt and “Suite for Ebony and Phonics” by John Rickford in Everything’s An Argument. In addition, students should also read articles related to the School Board Resolution provided in the links. Then, after completing the reading materials, students should write an essay depending on their stand regarding the issue. Moreover, “Assignment 2” requires students to draft the essay, discuss the draft with a tutor, revise the draft, submit the revised paper at a teacher conference by the given deadline and seek comments for revision of the second draft, and posting the final draft on the e-portfolio. I have learned about the grading criteria for this assignment as well, which was provided in the latter portion of the page.
Principle: Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words.
W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
Original:
After reading Chapter 5 of The Little, Brown Handbook in Lesson 4, Unit 2, I have learned how to think, read, and write critically. Keeping a reading journal, skimming through the article, reading and rereading, summarizing, and creating a response of a material can help readers to think, read, and write critically. First, keeping a journal enables active reading wherein students can get a better understanding of the work. Second, skimming through the article before reading can provide the reader with an idea of the topic to be discussed and would make the reader more informed and engaged in the reading. Third, reading and rereading would help readers fully understand the topic, arguments presented in a work as well as its structure. Fourth, summarizing would help readers understand the content and properly identify the strength and weaknesses of a work. Lastly, creating a critical response helps readers analyze, interpret, synthesize, and evaluate a work. Similarly, viewing graphical sources critically requires a reader to preview, analyze, interpret, synthesize, and evaluate a work.
Revision:
After reading Chapter 5 of The Little, Brown Handbook in Lesson 4, Unit 2, I have learned how to think, read, and write critically. Keeping a reading journal, skimming through the article, reading and rereading, summarizing, and creating a response of a material can help developing rhetors improve their skills. First, keeping a journal enables active reading wherein students can get a better understanding of the work. Second, skimming through the article before reading can provide the reader with an idea of the topic to be discussed and would make the reader more informed and engaged in the reading. Third, reading and rereading would help readers fully understand the topic, arguments presented in a work as well as its structure. Fourth, summarizing helps readers understand the content and properly identify the strength and weaknesses of a work. Lastly, creating a critical response helps readers analyze, interpret, synthesize, and evaluate a piece.
DRAFT # 2
Principle: P: Punctuation error. Titles of books, newspapers, and magazines should be underlined.
Original:
After reading Chapter 5 of The Little, Brown Handbook in Lesson 4, Unit 2, I have learned how to think, read, and write critically.
Revision:
After reading Chapter 5 of The Little, Brown Handbook in Lesson 4, Unit 2, I have learned how to think, read, and write critically.
Lesson 5
READING JOURNALS
DRAFT # 1
Error: Missing “I have learned” Journal for “Interactive Exercises” link.
DRAFT # 2
Principle: W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
Original:
Also, a step in writing a research paper is identifying the audience.
Revision:
Also, one of the steps in writing a research paper is identifying the audience.
assignment 2: the ebonics essay
12 SCHOLARLY SOURCES: CRITICAL READING JOURNALS
DRAFT # 1
Principle: W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise. Avoid using words such as “also”
Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words.
Original:
The argument is also logical because the writer presents his evidences before stating his claims, which demonstrates an inductive reasoning. Furthermore, the writer did not commit any fallacy in writing the article.
Revision:
The argument is logical because the writer presents his evidence before stating his claims, which demonstrates inductive reasoning. Furthermore, the writer did not commit any fallacy in the article.
SCHOLARLY SOURCES: PRE-WRITING PROCESS
DRAFT # 1
Principle: Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words.
Original:
My purpose in writing this paper is to convince the opponents of the Oakland School Board’s resolution on the use of Ebonics to re-consider their stance and inform those without knowledge or stand regarding the issue that the use of Ebonics is necessary in educating Ebonics-speaking students.
Revision:
My purpose is to convince the opponents of the Oakland School Board’s resolution on the use of Ebonics to re-consider their stance and inform those without knowledge or stand regarding the issue that the use of Ebonics is necessary in educating Ebonics-speaking students.
THE EBONICS DEBATE: ARGUMENTATIVE RESEARCH PAPER
DRAFT # 1
Principle: W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
Original:
At the height of the controversial debate on Ebonics, Bree Picower, a white-inner city educator at Prescott Elementary, quoted "The Oakland school board never intended to replace the teaching of Standard or mainstream English with the teaching of Ebonics, or Spoken Soul. But it did intend to take the vernacular into account in helping students achieve mastery of Standard English.” (Rickford and Rickford, 176)
Revision:
At the height of the controversial debate on Ebonics, Bree Picower, a white-inner city educator at Prescott Elementary, claims "The Oakland school board never intended to replace the teaching of Standard or mainstream English with the teaching of Ebonics, or Spoken Soul. But it did intend to take the vernacular into account in helping students achieve mastery of Standard English.” (Rickford and Rickford, 176)
DRAFT # 2
Principle: agr. Faulty agreement. Failure of the verb to agree with its subject.
Original:
Heller explains Ebonics possess the characteristics of language, such as distinctive rules and patterns, and demonstrates the primary purpose of a language, which is to serve as a tool for communication.
Revision:
Heller explains Ebonics possesses the characteristics of language, such as distinctive rules and patterns, and demonstrates the primary purpose of a language, which is to serve as a tool for communication.
Principle: Quotation lacks citation.
Original:
In the article “If Black English Isn’t a Language, Then Tell Me, What Is?”, James Baldwin states, “Language, incontestably, reveals the speaker. Language, also, far more dubiously, is meant to define the other--and, in this case, the other is refusing to be defined by a language that has never been able to recognize him.”
Revision:
In the article “If Black English Isn’t a Language, Then Tell Me, What Is?”, James Baldwin states, “Language, incontestably, reveals the speaker. Language, also, far more dubiously, is meant to define the other--and, in this case, the other is refusing to be defined by a language that has never been able to recognize him” (Baldwin 1).
Principle: Wordy. Redundancy is one form of wordiness. Eliminate unnecessary words; strive for conciseness.
Original:
Based on these evidences, it is evident that Ebonics contributes to the success of Ebonics-speaking students.
Revision:
Based on these evidences, it is clear that Ebonics contributes to the success of Ebonics-speaking students
Principle: Wordy. Redundancy is one form of wordiness. Eliminate unnecessary words; strive for conciseness.
Original:
Having students with enhanced social, cultural, and intellectual abilities will definitely enhance the welfare of everyone in the society.
Revision:
Having students with enhanced social, cultural, and intellectual abilities will definitely improve the welfare of everyone in society.
DRAFT # 3
Principle: P: Punctuation error. Punctuations should be placed after the citations.
Citation error. MLA format in-text citations do not have comma.
W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
Original:
At the height of the controversial debate on Ebonics, Bree Picower, a white-inner city educator at Prescott Elementary, claims "The Oakland school board never intended to replace the teaching of Standard or mainstream English with the teaching of Ebonics, or Spoken Soul. But it did intend to take the vernacular into account in helping students achieve mastery of Standard English.” (Rickford and Rickford, 176)
Revision:
At the height of the controversial debate on Ebonics, Bree Picower, a white-inner city educator at Prescott Elementary, asserted, "The Oakland school board never intended to replace the teaching of Standard or mainstream English with the teaching of Ebonics, or Spoken Soul. But it did intend to take the vernacular into account in helping students achieve mastery of Standard English” (Rickford and Rickford 176).
DRAFT # 4
Principle: Citation error. Author’s last name should not be included in the citation.
Original:
As James Baldwin stated, “A child cannot be taught by anyone who despises him, and a child cannot afford to be fooled. A child cannot be taught by anyone whose demand, essentially, is that the child repudiate his experience, and all that gives him sustenance, and enter a limbo in which he will no longer be black, and in which he knows that he can never become white” (Baldwin 1).
Revision:
As James Baldwin stated, “A child cannot be taught by anyone who despises him, and a child cannot afford to be fooled. A child cannot be taught by anyone whose demand, essentially, is that the child repudiate his experience, and all that gives him sustenance, and enter a limbo in which he will no longer be black, and in which he knows that he can never become white” (1).
Principle: Format. Confirmation must be connected to the hook.
Original:
(Confirmation) The Oakland School Board’s resolution introduced a new pedagogy in teaching and provided an effective method of learning to Ebonics-speaking students, which allowed improvement and maximization of the students’ academic capabilities. As Carrie Secret stated, “There are three cornerstones to our SEP program: culture, language, and literacy” (Secret 1998). By incorporating language, culture, and history, the role of Ebonics is necessary in educating Standard American English to Ebonics-speaking students and in leading them towards academic success.
Revision:
(Confirmation) The Oakland School Board’s resolution introduced a new pedagogy in teaching and provided an effective method of learning to Ebonics-speaking students, which allowed improvement and maximization of the students’ academic capabilities. As Carrie Secret, an educator at Prescott Elementary, stated, “There are three cornerstones to our SEP program: culture, language, and literacy” (Perry 1998). Ebonics is an instrument beneficial to learning and personal development. Just as Bree Picower asserted, the utilization of Ebonics is necessary in educating Standard American English to Ebonics-speaking students and in leading them towards academic success.
Principle: Establish credibility of sources.
Original:
In the article "Ebonics: When is Dialect Acceptable English?", Jacqueline Brice-Finch explained how the language utilized in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn was critiqued during Mark Twain’s time for being unsuitable and inappropriate for being considered as a novel, and yet studied and appreciated in the present. Brice-Finch’s argument implies the importance of the primary language to its speakers despite the existence of strong criticisms and rejections in the past.
Revision:
In the article "Ebonics: When is Dialect Acceptable English?" Jacqueline Brice-Finch, Department Chair of English and Modern Languages in the University of Maryland, explained how the language utilized in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn was critiqued during Mark Twain’s time for being unsuitable and inappropriate to be considered as a novel, and yet studied and appreciated in the present. Brice-Finch’s argument implies the importance of the primary language to its speakers despite the existence of strong criticisms and rejections in the past.
MID-QUARTER ORALS
DRAFT # 1
Error: Lacks example for each key term.
DRAFT # 2
Principle: Incorrect transition words
Original:
Third, the claims and reasons must be persuasively and logically connected, called the warrant. Fourth, there must be backing, where the evidences are offered. Fourth, qualifiers, which are words and phrases that place limits on claims, should be utilized. Lastly, a writer must understand and react to the conditions of rebuttal, which are potential objections to an argument.
Revision:
Third, the claims and reasons must be persuasively and logically connected, called the warrant. Fourth, there must be backing, where the evidences are offered. Fifth, qualifiers, which are words and phrases that place limits on claims, should be utilized. Lastly, a writer must understand and react to the conditions of rebuttal, which are potential objections to an argument.
Unit 3: Images, Media, and Privacy
LESSON 6
READING JOURNALS
DRAFT # 1
Principle: P: Punctuation error. Titles of books, newspapers, and magazines should be underlined.
Original:
The reading materials for this lesson includes Chapter 9-11 of Everything’s An Argument, pages 263-265 and Chapter 28 of The Little, Brown Handbook, Development and Chat Handout, Noun Appositives Handout, and Assignment 3 Page.
Revision:
The reading materials for this lesson includes Chapter 9-11 of Everything’s An Argument, pages 263-265 and Chapter 28 of The Little, Brown Handbook, Development and Chat Handout, Noun Appositives Handout, and Assignment 3 Page.
Principle: W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
Original:
Also, students are required to complete the Noun Appositive exercise.
Revision:
Students are required to complete the Noun Appositive exercise as well.
LESSON 7
READING JOURNALS
DRAFT # 1
Principle: W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
Original:
Moreover, students should be working on the electronic portfolio project, which is a vital component of this course.
Revision:
Moreover, students should be getting a head start on the electronic portfolio project, which is a vital component of this course.
LESSON 8
READING JOURNALS
DRAFT # 1
Principle: Wordy. Redundancy is one form of wordiness.
Original:
In addition, after completing the reading materials, Student Directors should post their question on Blackboard for discussion. Moreover, students should post their drafts for Assignment 3 to receive suggestions from their peers. Students must provide constructive and detailed responses, which would be vital in improving and revising the artifacts. In addition, students should be aware that they would only earn credit for responses posted to a peer, who does not yet have two editing suggestions, to ensure that all students receive feedback.
Revision:
In addition, after completing the reading materials, Student Directors should post their question on Blackboard for discussion. Moreover, students should post their drafts for Assignment 3 to receive suggestions from their peers. Students must provide constructive and detailed responses, which are vital in improving and revising the artifacts. Furthermore, students should be aware that they would only earn credit for responses posted to a peer, who does not yet have two editing suggestions, to ensure that all students receive feedback.
ASSIGNMENT 3: IMAGES, MEDIA, AND PRIVACY ESSAY
12 SCHOLARLY SOURCES: CRITICAL READING JOURNALS
DRAFT # 1
Principle: Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words.
Original:
Furthermore, the writer did not commit any fallacy in writing.
Revision:
Furthermore, the writer did not commit any fallacy.
Principle: CS: Comma Splice. Only use commas before a nonessential appositive.
Original:
Becker utilized an objective tone and formal language, in presenting her claims, to establish a stronger argument and better connection with the audience.
Revision:
Becker utilized an objective tone and formal language in presenting her claims, to establish a stronger argument and better connection with the audience.
SCHOLARLY SOURCES: PRE-WRITING PROCESS
DRAFT # 1
Principle: Expand premise.
Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words.
Original:
My premise is that the positive representation of large women in the media is beneficial because it will eliminate the stereotype of large women in the media, and invoke self-confidence and satisfaction on large women, and improve women’s health.
Revision:
My premise is that positive representation of large women in the media is imperative because it will improve women’s health by addressing the problem on eating disorders, eliminate the stereotype of large women in the media, and invoke self-confidence and satisfaction on large women in society.
DRAFT # 2
Principle: Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words.
Original:
My purpose in writing this paper is to persuade individuals, particularly women, to acknowledge the misconception, related to the ideal body image, created by the media through the underrepresentation of large women.
Revision:
My purpose is to persuade individuals, particularly women, to acknowledge the misconception, related to the ideal body image, created by the media through the underrepresentation of large women.
IMAGES, MEDIA, AND PRIVACY: ARGUMENTATIVE RESEARCH PAPER
DRAFT # 1
Principle: Expand Reason/Support 1.
Original:
(Rhetor’s Main Claim informed by 9 Scholarly Sources) positive representations of large women in the media, such as Dove’s Real Beauty Campaign, are imperative because it will (Reason/Support 1) improve women’s health, (Reason/Support 2) eliminate the stereotype of large women in the media, and (Reason/Support 3) invoke self-confidence, satisfaction, and belonging on women in society.
Revision:
(Rhetor’s Main Claim informed by 9 Scholarly Sources) positive representations of large women in the media, such as Dove’s Real Beauty Campaign, are imperative because they will (Reason/Support 1) improve women’s health by addressing the problem on eating disorders, (Reason/Support 2) eliminate the stereotype of large women in the media, and (Reason/Support 3) invoke self-confidence, satisfaction, and belonging on women in society.
Principle: W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
Original:
The positive portrayals of large women in the media should be increased in order to eliminate the notion of the public on them as helpless, inferior, and unhealthy.
Revision:
The positive portrayals of large women in the media should be increased in order to eliminate the notion of the public on them as impotent, inferior, and unhealthy.
Principle: W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
Original:
The utilization of media, similar to Dove’s Real beauty Campaign, will eliminate the stereotype of large women in society.
Revision:
The utilization of media, similar to Dove’s Real beauty Campaign, would eliminate the stereotype of large women in society.
Principle: W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
Original:
(Summation) As a whole, positive representations of large women in the media, such as Dove’s Real Beauty Campaign, bring several advantages to society. Primarily, large women media portrayals address eating disorders of a large portion of the female population. Also, large women media portrayals destroy the stereotypical image a thin woman as ideal. Finally, large women media portrayals contribute to the identity development of women by invoking self-confidence, satisfaction, and public acceptance. These advantages would enhance the well being of women, the foundation of every household in the society.
Revision:
(Summation) As a whole, positive representations of large women in the media, such as Dove’s Real Beauty Campaign, bring several advantages to society. Primarily, media portrayals of large women address eating disorders of a huge portion of the female population. Also, media portrayals of large women destroy the stereotypical image of a thin woman as ideal. Finally, media portrayals of large women would contribute to the identity development of women by invoking self-confidence, satisfaction, and public acceptance. These advantages would enhance the welfare and quality of life of women in society.
DRAFT # 2
Principle: Divided Stasis should be an argument and not an observation.
Divided Stasis should be written clearer.
Original:
(Bridge) Goodman’s statement highlights the impact of media in women’s perspective of the ideal body and strengthens the importance of campaigns, such as Dove’s Real Beauty Campaign, which portrays large women positively. (Divided Stasis) (Opponent’s Claim informed by 3 Scholarly Sources) Although opponents of media activities, such as Dove’s campaign, claim it as an implication of privacy invasion and unhealthy lifestyle, (Rhetor’s Main Claim informed by 9 Scholarly Sources) positive representations of large women in the media are beneficial because they will (Reason/Support 1) improve women’s health by addressing the problem on eating disorders, (Reason/Support 2) eliminate the stereotype of large women in the media, and (Reason/Support 3) invoke self-confidence, satisfaction, and belonging on women in society.
Revision:
(Bridge) Goodman’s statement is the highlighted impact of media in women’s perspective of the ideal body and the importance of campaigns, such as Dove’s Real Beauty Campaign, which portrays large women positively. (Divided Stasis) (Opponent’s Claim informed by 3 Scholarly Sources) Although opponents of optimistic media portrayals of large women claim these depictions as an implication of privacy invasion and unhealthy lifestyle, (Rhetor’s Main Claim informed by 9 Scholarly Sources) positive representations of large women in the media, such as Dove’s Real Beauty Campaign, are imperative because they will (Reason/Support 1) improve women’s health by addressing the problem on eating disorders, (Reason/Support 2) eliminate the stereotype of large women in the media, and (Reason/Support 3) invoke self-confidence, satisfaction, and belonging on women in society.
DRAFT # 3
Principle: Wordy. Repetition is one form of wordiness. Eliminate unnecessary words; strive for conciseness.
Original:
Just as Goodman asserted in her article, media creates an impact on the perspective of the society therefore, the positive representation of large women in the media is imperative in eliminating the stereotypical image on women’s ideal body shape.
Revision:
Just as Goodman asserted in her article, media creates an impact on the perspective of society therefore, the positive representation of large women in the media is imperative in eliminating the stereotypical image on women’s ideal body shape.
Principle: frag: Sentence fragment. Punctuated a subordinate clause as if it was a sentence.
Original:
This evidence proves media has influence on an individual’s eating habits.
Revision:
Spurr, Berry, and Walker’s research provides evidence on how media has influenced individuals eating habits.
Principle: Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words.
Original:
Becker argues that media portrayals of thin women characters detrimentally affect the health of women in society.
Revision:
Becker argues media portrayals of thin women characters detrimentally affect the health of women in society.
Principle: awk: Awkward Sentence Structure.
Original:
Becker claims the impact of media, particularly television, in creating the stereotypical image of women.
Revision:
Becker claims the negative impact of media, such as television, which contributes to the stereotypical image of women.
Principle: Vague pronoun utilization.
Original:
This experience demonstrates the diminutive public acceptance of large women, which commonly results to low self-esteem.
Revision:
Moore’s experience demonstrates the diminutive public acceptance of large women, which commonly results to low self-esteem.
Principle: Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words.
Original:
Primarily, media portrayals of large women address the eating disorders of a huge portion of the female population.
Revision:
Primarily, media portrayals of large women address eating disorders of a huge portion of the female population.
DRAFT # 4
Principle: Use a more specific lead-in for the hook.
Original:
(Hook) During the period of media supremacy, W. Charisse Goodman…
Revision:
(Hook) While women in society continue to fit the slender, stereotypical image of women portrayed by the media, W. Charisse Goodman…
Principle: W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
Original:
Moore’s experience demonstrates the diminutive public acceptance of large women, which commonly results to low self-esteem.
Revision:
Moore’s experiences demonstrate the diminutive public acceptance of large women, which commonly result in low self-esteem.
Principle: W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
frag: Sentence fragment. Punctuated a subordinate clause as if it was a sentence.
Original:
Goodman’s statement is the highlighted impact of media in women’s perspective of the ideal body and the importance of campaigns, such as Dove’s Real Beauty Campaign, which portrays large women positively.
Revision:
Goodman’s message is the highlighted impact of media in women’s perspectives on the ideal body leading to the necessitation of positive large women media representations.
Principle: W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
Original:
(Reason/Support 2) eliminate the stereotype of large women in the media
Revision:
(Reason/Support 2) eliminate the negative stereotype of large women in the media
DRAFT # 5
Principle: W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
Original:
While women in society continue to fit the slender, stereotypical image of women portrayed by the media, W. Charisse Goodman…
Revision:
While women in society continue to chase the slender, stereotypical image of women portrayed by the media, W. Charisse Goodman…
Principle: CS: Comma Splice. Two main clauses joined by a comma.
Original:
Just as Goodman asserted in her article, media creates an impact on the perspective of society therefore, the positive representation of large women in the media is imperative in eliminating the stereotypical image on women’s ideal body shape.
Revision:
Just as Goodman asserted in her article, media creates an impact on the perspective of society; therefore, the positive representation of large women in the media is imperative in eliminating the stereotypical image on women’s ideal body shape.
Unit 4: Introduction into Research
LESSON 13
READING JOURNALS
DRAFT # 1
Principle: Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words.
Original:
Students should post their drafts for Assignment 4 Works Cited Page and seek for revision suggestions.
Revision:
Students should post their drafts for Assignment 4 Works Cited Page and seek revision suggestions.
LESSON 14
READING JOURNALS
DRAFT # 1
Principle: W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
Original:
Moreover, students should complete the interactive exercise to improve their sentence skills, which is beneficial in revising the essay assignments in this class. Finally, students should prepare for finals and complete all artifacts for the class.
Revision:
Moreover, students should complete the interactive exercise to improve their sentence skills, which is beneficial in revising the essay assignments in this class. Finally, students should prepare for final presentations and complete all artifacts for the class.
ASSIGNMENT 4 PART 1: WELCOME TO ENGLISH 105
DRAFT # 1
Principle: W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
Original:
Taking the English 105 Hybrid-in-progress course with Professor Gill-Mayberry can be compared with an airplane ride. The class could be one of the fastest and most unforgettable adventures students would embark on in their lives as students at Cal Poly Pomona. The course is similar to an airplane ride for various reasons.
Revision:
Taking the English 105 Hybrid-in-progress course with Professor Gill-Mayberry can be compared to an airplane ride. The class could be one of the fastest and most unforgettable adventures students would embark on in their lives at Cal Poly Pomona. The course is similar to an airplane ride for various reasons.
Principle: W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
Original:
Students can either choose to pass or fail, depending on their performance throughout the quarter.
Revision:
Students can either choose to pass or receive an incomplete, depending on their performance throughout the quarter.
Principle: Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words.
Original:
Also, students tend to get intimidated and influenced by some of the negative feedbacks from few of the previous students who took the class.
Revision:
Also, students tend to get intimidated and influenced by some of the negative feedbacks from previous students who took the class.
Principle: Wordy. Eliminate unnecessary words.
Original:
Working hard and exactly following the professor’s dictated rubric would yield the best possible grade for the class.
Revision:
Working hard and following the professor’s dictated rubric would yield the best possible grade for the class.
ASSIGNMENT 4 PART 2: the writing process
DRAFT # 1
Principle: W: Word Choice. Word should be changed because it is imprecise.
Original:
First, comprising of the hook, bridge, and divided stasis, the introduction warms up the audience, establishes goodwill and connection with the readers, and asserts the thesis of the argument. Second, the narration summarizes relevant background material, provides information to the audience, and identifies the risks in the argument.
Revision:
First, comprised of the hook, bridge, and divided stasis, the introduction warms up the audience, establishes goodwill and connection with the readers, and asserts the thesis of the argument. Second, the narration summarizes relevant background material, provides information to the audience, and identifies the risks in the argument.